Don’t go chasing waterfalls – please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.


  I have an excellent excuse for the delay in my postings.  I’ve been out to sea for a while trying out a new hobby.  I’ve been whale fishing for the past month and I’ve never had more fun in my entire life.

  Lots of people came out to protest the launching of our ship The Occupation, but we were set on learning to art of whale fishing.  The crew consisted of a few hearty souls that would settle for nothing less than the pleasure of crouching together inside the beating chambers of a blue whale’s heart.  I’m the Ahab looking character in the background, but I’m far from the most hardy sailor of our crew.  To my right is Pastor Tony.  I enlisted his help in case any of us needed spiritual guidance.  In front of Pastor Tony is Doc.  He’s the man responsible for making our ship sail.  All of our success is directly tied to his ability to keep us afloat.  The last of our crew is G-Money.  He served as medic and cook.  Luckily, his services as a cook were needed more than his services as medic, but it’s nice to have that security.  After setting sail we encountered an unexpected suprise.  A stowaway.  I didn’t have a camera handy so I made him stand there whilst I sketched him.  It was too far into the expedition to turn back and I didn’t have it in me to throw him overboard.  We kept him, trained him, fed him, and he was happy.  He went by the loving handle U-Boat Paradise. 

  Whale fishing is not as easy as it sounds.  I left the details of what kind of test line and fishing rod I’d need to chance because this type of whale fishing is new on the scene.  I’d been whale fishing in the past, but never like this.  Our previous expedition was difficult because we had to chase these blue whales for leagues trying to get alongside them at the precise moment they came up for a breath.  At just the right time, we light a stick of dynamite and jam it down into the blow hole and quickly create space between target and ship.  Naturally, this method has some drawbacks.  Harvesting the whale heart after the killshot is very difficult and there is the possibility that the heart may not be recoverable at all.  Secondly, a blue whale will sink faster than a stone after its lungs are gone.  We decided to take a traditional fishing method (not fly-fishing) and see if we would be able to wrestle the beast into submission. 

  No one has attempted this type of whale fishing.  We schemed for days and invented a very successful method for hooking a blue whale.  I decided that a blue whale calf would be our first target because it woudl be easier given the lack of survival experience in contrast to a full grown blue.  I spent two days shining my hook to give it a bright and alluring look.  Instead of using just one plankton, I baited it with two plankton.  I reasoned that the calf would see two lazy plankton ripe for the picking and a nice new shiny object to explore as well.  These two factors would be too much for the calf to resist.  An adult blue wouldn’t be enchanted by shiny objects because its been too long in life to be distracted by these things. 

  The expedition was a wild success.  The calf’s heart was too small to accomodate all four of us, but we hollowed the chambers out and slid through one at a time.  We received various offers for different whale parts and sold them for a hefty profit.  After investing in the new Nick Cave & Grinderman album, we donated the rest of the money to Yatta


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3 Comments on “Don’t go chasing waterfalls – please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.”

  1. Dan the Whale hugger Says:

    Um. Sure. Whale fishing. Whale hearts. Right. Can we talk? Would you step outside with me for a moment?

  2. TimeCrisis3 Says:

    This post makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it. Those were simpler times.

  3. Michael Tim Says:

    I love your site!

    Experiencing a slow PC recently? Fix it now!

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